Ep. 2: Before you apologize, listen to this podcast
Below you will find the show notes for “Episode 2” of the Communification Podcast.
You can tap “play” below. Mahalo for listening! Welcome to the ‘ohana!
How do I offer a sincere apology? Where do I start when crafting an apology? Was that apology sincere? Why didn’t I feel closure from that apology? - these are all questions you may have asked yourself before. I know I have! In this episode of the Communification Podcast we discuss apologies. Dr. Amy Hubbard teaches us what an apology is, what the goals of an apology are, and research-based strategies to help us with our communication goal of offering a sincere, heartfelt, and effective apology.
Main takeaways
For an apology to be perceived as sincere, the words “I’m sorry” are often accompanied by other words.
Apologies express regret and some responsibility for the transgression or rupture.
A “full blown” apology often includes offers of assistance, showing how you’ve learned and won’t do it again.
Think of the receiver: The perception of sincerity is important.
Multiple apologies seem to be helpful.
Context is important. Consider the medium, and relational factors.
Remember that when using technology, there is permanency. Words can be taken out of context, or there could even be legal implications.
Following up with an in person apology is always a good idea.
Time codes
[00:07:02] WHERE DR. HUBBARD’S PASSION FOR THE TOPIC COMES FROM
[00:09:24] WHAT IS AN APOLOGY?
[00:11:45] LISTENER QUESTION FROM ELIZABETH SAGE IN SAN DIEGO, CALIFORNIA
“DOES TIMING MATTER?”
[00:16:49] WHY SINCERITY IS IMPORTANT
[00:18:51] FACE TO FACE APOLOGIES INCLUDE NONVERBAL CUES, VIA TECH IT’S IFFY
[00:22:11] LISTENER QUESTION FROM RYAN MAE SWEENEY ON THE ISLAD OF O’AHU
[00:23:30] WHEN PARTNERS PREFER DIFFERENT COMMUNICATION STYLES… WHAT SHOULD WE DO?
[00:24:40] HOW TO ADD THE “NONVERBAL” MESSAGE INTO YOUR DIGITAL DISCOURSE
[00:27:07] WE MUST THINK ABOUT THE RECEIVER
[00:27:34] APOLOGIZING VIA TECHNOLOGY IS BETTER THAN NOTHING?
[00:28:48] ARE MULTIPLE APOLOGIES EFFECTIVE?
[00:30:49] IS THERE A HIERARCHY OF EXPECTATIONS ON RESPONSE TIME DEPENDING ON THE MEDIUM YOU CHOOSE?
[00:34:26] AN APOLOGY USING DIGITAL TECHNOLOGY HAS A PAPER TRAIL – LEGAL IMPLICATIONS, TAKEN OUT OF CONTEXT, LIVES ON FOREVER
[00:36:33] RESEARCH-BASED STRATEGIES FOR APOLOGIZING VIA TECHNOLOGY
Dr. Amy Hubbard bio
Dr. Amy Ebesu Hubbard is a Professor and Chair in the Department of Communicology (the scientific study of human communication) at the University of Hawaiʻi at Mānoa. The main areas of her teaching and research focus on conflict management, nonverbal communication, interpersonal relationships, and deceptive communication. Her research for the past decade has centered on the role of apologies, attributions, and perspective-taking in communication during conflicts in relationships.
More background on Dr. Hubbard
Episode 2:
Before you apologize, listen to this podcast
Malika:
Aloha Dr. Hubbard, thank you for joining us for this episode of the Communification Podcast.
Dr. Hubbard:
Great to be here. (interrupting)
Malika:
Oh my gosh, I'm so excited. Dr. Hubbard…
Dr. Hubbard:
Sorry! Sorry, I said sorry.
Malika:
I love the we're already getting right into the topic! But I want to give our listeners a little bit of background on how we know each other because it's kind of unique. Dr. Hubbard was my thesis advisor for my master's degree. And this podcast was actually my thesis project. So I owe a lot to this woman right here. In fact, my daughter calls her, her other mother. She's the woman who coined my now life motto “slow progress is still progress.” We've laughed together, we've cried together. I'm so thankful for you, and your guidance and your presence in my life. And we did do an episode talking about the making of this podcast. So I'll be sure to link that in the show notes for any of you that want to listen in. But I guess we should get started. So let's dive right in… you ready?
Dr. Hubbard:
Sounds great. Yep, I'm ready. Let's go.
Malika:
Alright, so right off the bat, it would be great to hear where your passion comes from for communication theory, and in general, the scientific study of human communication. Perhaps you can brief us on what communication topics you're interested in, teach or study?
WHERE DR. HUBBARD’S PASSION FOR THE TOPIC COMES FROM
Dr. Hubbard:
Sure. So I'm very interested in communication. But particularly the area that I'm fascinated on are ideas where in the public, if someone has said, “Oh, communication is like this,” or happens in this way. And then trying to see if the research or the research that I do is actually verifying that or not verifying that. So where there's a disconnect between what we think about it in media, right, what shows in a movie and television and in magazines, and then what we know from the research side of it and where they don't quite match up. So that's what really fascinates me about communication, because there's a lot of instances of that in my own life. I used to think, “Well, okay, if there's a problem, then you're supposed to talk it out.” You have to keep on talking, more talk is better. But we know from some communication areas that it's not always the case that more talking is going to lead to better productivity, and more relationship happiness.
And so that's why I study areas like nonverbal communication. How do we communicate without the words themselves? So what are we doing with our voice, our posture, our gestures, smell, distance between people, those sorts of things? And I'm interested in conflict in relationships.
So can conflict be good for relationships? Absolutely. But the prevailing sort of tone in public, is that conflicts, not so good, right? We're supposed to shut it down as quickly as possible. I’m also interested in deception because many people say that, “well, you shouldn't lie.” And yes, to a certain extent, you shouldn't lie. But yet, there are cases where lying probably is helpful in our relationships with other people.
So that's why I'm interested in those particular areas.
Malika:
I think everyone that's listening is like, ooh, yes, please! Tell me more! But today, we can't talk about it all. So today's communication issue is actually pretty narrow when it comes to a communication topic. But it's so universal when it comes to the human experience. We're talking about apologies. So I thought we might begin by defining some terms and just kind of setting the stage for everyone providing a foundation for the discussion. So Dr. Hubbard, how would you like to kick this off definitions? A theory? We're all ears.
WHAT IS AN APOLOGY?
Dr. Hubbard:
So let's start off with defining an apology. So the prototypical way in which we think about an apology is to say the words, “I apologize, I'm sorry,” right. So it has an “I” in there. And it has these specific words that we think about, because for this particular idea of apologies, or communicating and apologies, we often have to actually say those words, but those words are often accompanied by other words surrounding it. So we can have the kind of short simple, “I'm sorry,” and that's it, right? Sorry, oops, sorry. Or we can have a more full blown, elaborate version of an apology.
So an apology at its simplest case, is saying that I'm sorry for something expressing regret and some responsibility for it. But a full blown one has other elements to it. Those other elements might be, I might offer assistance, I might show how I've learned how I'm not going to do it in the future.
Right. So there's these other elements in my apology that make it more elaborate when the situation calls for it.
Malika:
So how can we adequately achieve our relational maintenance and communication goals when it comes to an apology? Like what's the goal of an apology?
Dr. Hubbard:
So the goal of an apology is to repair some kind of rupture, or breaking of bonds with somebody else.
So when we apologize, or the need for an apology is usually because there's some kind of transgression, you made a faux pas, you harm somebody in some sort of way. So it kind of disrupts or it strains our bond, our relationship with another person.
So when we apologize, we're trying to put the bandage on the wound, and help it to repair. And sometimes that bandage, or that wound repair could be old, you could have tried it on before, sometimes it could be sort of crusty. Other times, it could be new and fresh. So those apologies have different sort of aspects associated with it. But it's basically trying to repair a rupture in a bond between myself or yourself and another person or a group or that sort of thing.
Malika:
You know what that made me think of, and before we take this topic even more narrow, adding on that layer of apologizing via technology, I wanted to stick with the basics. And I do have a question from a listener. This question is from Liz Sage in San Diego, California. And what's interesting is you were talking about the bandage being fresh or crusty and that continuum that there is, and her question kind of digs into this. So let's listen.
LISTENER QUESTION FROM ELIZABETH SAGE IN SAN DIEGO, CALIFORNIA
“DOES TIMING MATTER?”
Elizabeth Sage:
I'm curious around apologies, if there's any sort of research-based time that matters. Do you want to apologize within 24 hours? 48 hours? Maybe not a full apology, but at least some acknowledgement of wrongdoing? I’m just curious if there's any sort of timeline wrapped up around apologizing that maybe makes something more impactful? Or more sincere?
Dr. Hubbard:
Absolutely. That's a great question. And one that scholars have only recently begun to start to investigate, because much of the attention before was on what is an apology made up of, how does it help with forgiveness or conflict management in our relationships, but some of the current research, in fact, some research that I have done with a couple of colleagues has to do with the timing of an apology.
And what we looked at was whether or not, roughly speaking, apologizing earlier or later would be helpful. So not in terms of this timeframe that this listener referenced, but actually a shorter timeframe. So in our particular study, what we had done is we had people discuss recurring conflicts in their relationships. So these were couples who were dating or married. And then they have, as couples do, they have topics that they tend to have conflicts about over and over again. So they're not really resolved until the next time they come up again. And so we had people talk about these sorts of topics. And we had people explain who was the person who you thought was more blameworthy for the situation, right to try to make it as realistic as possible. So the person who was thought to be more blameworthy or responsible, we asked that person (on the side) to apologize to their partner at some point during a conversation. And we asked them to do it either earlier or later in the discussion.
And what we found is that well, and one of the aspects for you to know is that we only allow people roughly 10 minutes to have this conflict. We didn't want it to go extensively. So that's a limitation in the study. But in those 10 minutes, when people had those recurring conflict discussions, and they ended within those 10 minutes, what happened is that when people apologize later on, so we're talking like roughly around six minutes or so into the discussion, compared to around two minutes, minute and a half in the discussion, the people who apologize later, were seen as more sincere, the person who was receiving the apology felt more understood, and felt happier about the actual interaction, even though we're talking about something that's been an ongoing issue in the relationship.
They felt happier when the apologies happened later.
Now all bets were off when we had to interrupt their conflict, and they were still going on. Right? They're still going at it. So we don't know what happens after that. But there's some evidence that suggests that later apologies might be more beneficial.
Malika:
Why is that?
Dr. Hubbard:
So what we think is going on, and another study that had looked at this before and looked at vignettes instead, but the same sort of pattern held true, is that people felt more understood because they felt like they were able to say what the issue was. So when you're apologizing, remember that rupture? You're trying to say you're sorry for something that happened, and you want people to see you in a different light, right? You want to say, I'm apologizing, I don't want you to think that this is an accurate representation of me. So I'm going to show you that I have regret for that. And that I understand what it was that I did. So if you apologize early on. How did you understand what went on?
So an earlier apology might work if it was a simple idea. As I said, it could be a simple transgression, we bumped into somebody, you don't want to wait right six minutes and say “Oops, sorry,” right. But you would say right away. But that's because that's simple, and you have a clear understanding of what it is.
When something is more complex and needs some more sort of depth and discussion and communication around that. Then later apologies tend to work better because it shows that now you have a fuller, more complete understanding of what you're apologizing for, which then fuels perceptions of sincerity. So then you look more sincere when you apologize later, because now you know what was going on.
WHY SINCERITY IS IMPORTANT
Malika:
And that's important. That’s something that actually came up several times when I asked listeners to weigh in and tell me how they felt about apologizing over technology or in person. So the apologies “in person” camp said things like this. Kehaulani said, “not as sincere as apologizing in person or writing a letter or card and giving it to the person.” And @SiennamySamoa, and also Kristin C, said “not as sincere as in person for me, because emotions are important, too.”
Dr. Hubbard:
So let me add on to that a little bit. So yes, sincerity seems to be really crucial here for apologies. So it's the perception of sincerity.
So how does the receiver, the recipient, the person who's receiving the apology, think about the apology, not your intention. So you might have the best intentions, but if the recipient doesn't think that it's sincere, then then you know, all bets are off, then your apology is not going to work.
So that's part of it. So I keep on thinking about parents and their children when they when they're initially teaching us how to apologize, right? You're upset with your sibling, and they say, apologize to your sibling, and you go, “sorry,” and then they might make an effort to tell you to “try it again.” But oftentimes, you said the word only itself, right? And then that's good enough. But later on, we realized it's more than just the words. Then you have to pat your brother or your sister, give a hug. Okay, share your toy now, or whatever the case may be to trying to get to this kind of sincerity idea. So we build up to it too.
Malika:
Yeah, you have to explain why you're saying you're sorry. As I gain more communication tools with my own kids. “Why are you sorry? Tell him.”
FACE-TO-FACE APOLOGIES INCLUDE NONVERBAL CUES - VIA TECH, IT’S IFFY
Dr. Hubbard:
Exactly right. Because that ups the sincerity factor, right. But then we don't check with other person whether or not they said, “Oh, yeah, I see that you're sincere, I accept it,” we just we move on, right. But in our adult relationships, it's totally important, especially online. So especially if we're doing it via a text message, an email, if there's other sorts of ways.
So in face to face, we're judging sincerity by how you look, how you sound, right? We're judging these other kinds of nonverbal elements. Are you crying? Can I see you crying? Right? I can't see that if you send me an email.
And if you did, well, I can sort of see it. You could put a little emoji to do a tear when you're seeing it. But then does that seem authentic? Right? Sincerity is about authenticity, that it's really heartfelt, that remorse is heartfelt. And, and so it depends on how the other person views your email message or your text message. Because we know in certain sorts of formats, you have more time to think about it.
So does “there's more time to think about it” lead to a slick formula of apology, or does it lead to a better crafted more sincere apology?
And that depends on how you normally communicate with that person. Where did that transgression happen? Did it happen over that same text message? Or an Instagram post? Or did it happen via some other vehicle? So oftentimes, it's matching where that transgression happened. And it doesn't have to be solely one versus another. You shouldn't say, Oh, well, I apologize in a Facebook post. So I don't need to apologize to you in any other way. Right. You can apologize in multiple ways. You don't have to stick to one.
Malika:
Yes, actually I had a listener Tricia R. who said that she thought that it depended on the context and the situation and the relationship with the person. And so it sounds like she's echoing all of these things that you were saying. Another thing that did come up, I did a clubhouse room to get the juices flowing with this discussion that we were going to have and what came up was the use of different mediums to convey your apology based on the context of whatever is happening.
So let's start to get our feet wet here with this discussion about using different mediums, including technology to communicate these emotional messages, such as an apology. So these are messages that are intended to help with maintaining our relationships. So I actually just read this article, Mason and Carr just published this, this year, 2021. It's in the Journal of Communication Theory. And in their lit review, one of their arguments that stood out to me as being applicable to this discussion was, quote, “frameworks are needed, which allows scholars to address how the overlap and interaction of multiple relational communication channels contribute to maintaining a relationship.”
And so they were referencing the seemingly endless channels and mediums through which we communicate and send messages these days, social media, email, text, phone, FaceTime, zoom, the list goes on and on, we use these interchangeably. They interact, they overlap. So the authors of this study, were arguing we can't just study one thing, one medium, the article itself was actually about social penetration theory as a base to build a framework for the study of mediated relational maintenance. That's a lot of words. But it's how we maintain relationships using computer mediated communication, also very interesting. We won't get into that right now. But if you guys are interested in that, let me know in the review section, I'm happy to pursue that. And of course, I'll pop this study into the show notes as well, but looping back to using technology to communicate messages that are meant to maintain our relationships, like offering an apology.
So I have another question for you, Dr. Hubbard from a listener, this question is from a listener on Oahu. Ryan Mae Sweeney.
LISTENER QUESTION FROM RYAN MAE SWEENEY ON THE ISLAD OF O’AHU
“WHEN PARTNERS PREFER DIFFERENT COMMUNICATION STYLES… WHAT SHOULD WE DO?”
Ryan Mae Sweeney:
So my name is Ryan and my question is about styles of communication. So my partner tends to send me very long messages explaining how he feels, and they're thoughtful, they're quite lengthy. And you can tell he's put a lot of effort into crafting those messages. And, you know, sometimes I challenge him, and ask “why don't you just come and talk to me,” but one of the things he's told me is that he does feel like I'm a little bit of a word ninja. And I could see that, it is my profession as well. So probably a little bit of that is translating over into my relationship, for sure. And it's a little bit hard sometimes I think, for him to stay calm and collected and express his thoughts at the same rate that I'm discussing them with him. So this is sort of his way of making sure that what he says is intentional and make sense. So I just wanted to know if there's anything that I can do to help the situation and, you know, in your opinion, do you think this is a good use of technology or not?
Dr. Hubbard:
Mmm, juicy. So there's lots of things in there. And I'm sure, we can relate right? Having a preference, right? So you might have a preference for certain kinds of conversations happening in certain ways. So the kind of argument that myself and my husband might have is around, you know, we're trying to decide on what to eat over text messages, but then it's going back and forth. And I'm like, why didn't we just talk over the phone, that would have been a more efficient use of time, this felt so effortful, right. So what the listener is talking about is right, this effort part of it that is also involved in our communication, and certain media can showcase that effort more readily than others, like the length of a message can showcase some of that effort that somebody put in. And we read a lot of things into it.
HOW TO ADD THE “NONVERBAL” MESSAGE INTO YOUR DIGITAL MESSAGE
Dr. Hubbard:
So one of the things that we know from this layering kind of aspect, is that many times people have different tendencies for how they soften messages and how they enhance messages, sometimes in a text message, a text based message, the emotional part that we might convey non verbally, and people aren't as skilled in doing that. So I know for myself, sometimes I will write the nonverbal message, the nonverbal behavior that I might have done in person, I might write about it in the textual so that they can understand the context of that.
I'd say, “Oh, that's, that's too bad.” And then I would put in, “I'm hugging you, like a bear hug, but not too tight that you can't breathe but just on the edge of that with a sad face,” you know what I mean so like put that extra element in there in order to try to compensate for some of these things.
So my advice, or my suggestion would be to talk about what are your needs versus what is the other person's needs, and that it's not an all or nothing situation. So they've already gone on that path, which is great, right? So they have some idea of what the limitations are and what they're not. And so that maybe there might be some way of easing some of this. So maybe a partner has to write when something is sort of lengthy, initially, in an email that's totally legitimate and now you understand that's where it comes from. But that doesn't mean that we can’t follow up with an in person.
So I would think about sort of like sequences in terms of, well, if it has to start there, great. It has to start there. Right? And then we can have another conversation or follow up in person.
So then that's a way of sort of compromising on each other's needs, but those needs have to be reconciled with not only the speaker, but the receiver, right. So you have to do both of those things. How can I best communicate my message to you also entails, what's the best way for you to hear this particular message?
Malika:
Yes, I'm going read you a few more of the insights that people sent in. So Leslie G. from Maui said that “it's more comfortable, but less meaningful to do it over text.” Mana G. said, “when I text an apology, it helps me better plan out what I want to say.” And Kea K. from the Big Island said, “I think they are sometimes easier than in person and better than nothing.” And we also had a paramedic from Hilo, Heather A. she said “they totally work, I have a paramedic shift, she go.” So people were also talking about the context that, if I don't have the time in my day, I had to leave early for work. And the transgression happened the night before and we went to bed, well, then I can text it, that it's better than nothing to at least start somewhere.
WE MUST THINK ABOUT THE RECEIVER
Dr. Hubbard:
So okay, a couple of things. So one is, these examples that you provided are from the speaker standpoint, right? The speakers. So one of the things would be to think about the receiver standpoint. So not only your comfort, but what about the other person's comfort? Or how the other person might see this situation? If it's easy for you. Is the other person seeing it's easy for you as well? And then that, does that impact your sincerity in the particular situation?
APOLOGIZING VIA TECHNOLOGY IS BETTER THAN NOTHING?
Dr. Hubbard:
So that's one thing that I would think about and consider the other would be okay, so better than nothing? In one sense, yes. Better than nothing, in another sense, better than nothing. But let's have some follow up to that, too. So there's ways of quickly saying, I'm sorry, but that's not the end of it. Sometimes, though, in conversations when somebody says, I'm sorry, that is the end of it.
So when somebody says, “I'm sorry,” especially early on, then the conversation often switches or when I've asked people, why did you say you're sorry right there. And they said, “because I wanted to move on. I didn't want to talk about it anymore.” So me telling my partner, “I'm sorry,” ended the discussions.
So if you want to make the best use of them, then there has to be some follow up sequence to that. This is not only the end of the discussion in trying to repair our relationships.
Malika:
What popped into my head with the “I'm sorry, I want to move on,” though… is that would that be perceived as sincere?
ARE MULTIPLE APOLOGIES EFFECTIVE?
Dr. Hubbard:
Well, it depends on if you know that that's the case or not. So you're right. That's what the earlier apologies tended to not be judged as sincere as the later apologies in our study anyway. So you're right, there might be a tendency for it to not be seen as sincere.
But there's ways of repairing that, for example, many of people apologize more than once. It wasn't the end of one apology. They said I'm sorry, several times. And when we ask them, have you apologized about this in the past, they said they had. So apologies could be meaningful in the situation itself even if you've said you're sorry, before - and that didn't affect people's perceptions of sincerity.
So it was like, oh, even though you apologize before, at least in our study, they didn't judge “Oh, that your less sincere now because you apologized before.” So multiple apologies appear to be helpful in relationships, especially if we have a relationship so then we're already trusting this other person. Right?
If our relationship is in disrepair, though… If we're about to break up, then this puts a whole other spin to the apology and how we might be judging it. And then in those cases, some of the research, not just apologies, but in anything we say, anything positive, we might say to somebody, when we're on the brink of breaking up with that person is going to be judged as negative is going to be judged as insincere. “Oh, you're just doing that.” So if you say “I love you,” when we're on the verge of breaking up, then I'm gonna say “Why are you saying that? What does that mean?” Even though you might have intended it to be very heartfelt.
IS THERE A HIERARCHY OF EXPECTATIONS ON RESPONSE TIME DEPENDING ON THE MEDIUM YOU CHOOSE?
Malika:
When I think about tech versus in person, the asynchronous nature of technology and that there's really a hierarchy. So actually, my husband and I were discussing this when we were talking about this topic, and that was one of the first things he brought up. He's like, well, if someone in normal conversations, you know, someone texts me, there's an expectation that you get back to a text pretty quickly, but an email, there's a longer time period that's allowable for getting back to someone.
And on top of that, with technology, you can ignore it. You can't ignore someone who's standing right in front of you. And they're trying to apologize. So I was just wondering what your thoughts were around that.
Dr. Hubbard:
So there's some research on some of that kind of hierarchy in terms of how soon do you need to respond to asynchronous, but we also know there's lots of idiosyncratic patterns.
So it's best to figure that out for your relationship. So what do you prefer? How do you prefer?
So some people, you know, will say to me, “oh, I'm a horrible text responder,” that I delay it, they know it, and people call them out on it all the time, right? So there's, and then they probably have to apologize for that I don't respond to your text messages as quickly as I should. Right. So you're right, there are sort of different expectations around how soon you ought to, you know, respond, say something back to somebody, even if it's “got it,” you know, that sort of thing.
But it depends on the other person and what they would like, and what they happen to prefer. What we do know from some research on long distance relationships is that the asynchronous nature helps us to be on better behavior. So when you're not in front of me face to face, then if I am in a bad mood, then I don't respond right away. So that when I do respond, I'm in a better state.
And that allows for our communication to be more productive and more positive versus if it's face to face you take the good, the bad, the ugly, whatever I'd like right there. You're right there, I can't shoo you away as easily and have a plausible deniability.
Oh, I was busy. Oh, I didn't get it. My phone was charging, you know, there isn't those kinds of plausible deniability explanations when somebody is in front of you. So the asynchrony can allow you to be in a better frame of mind to have better interactions with somebody else. So there's that possibility too.
Malika:
So interesting. And of course, with asynchronous, you can send a message but if the person does not choose to open it, then the message was not received. And that was not a very good use of trying to maintain this relationship, you might have to look for another medium or channel to reach that person.
Dr. Hubbard:
Exactly. So one of the things that is also an interesting technological dilemma for people is that “dot dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot” can be a plus and a minus, right? So that data dot signifies that somebody is viewing your message. But then if you don't respond, after we see the “dot, dot, dot,” then we're like, “oh, why couldn't you write? So? So then?” How do you know, how do you do that? Then you better not open that? Because then somebody can tell that you looked at it. And then now you've gotten rid of that asynchronous, “Oh, I didn't see it” kind of explanation for this, too. So that advance has actually hurt some people in terms of their interaction, because it got rid of that notion of “Oh, oh, sorry. I didn't see it.” I saw it and you saw it.
Malika:
Oh, my gosh, that's a total other topic. We're brainstorming I guess for the rest of the season today. Is there anything else that you maybe thought about prior to coming on that you'd like to express when it comes to apologies and technology?
AN APOLOGY USING DIGITAL TECHONOLOGY HAS A PAPER TRAIL – LEGAL IMPLICATIONS, TAKEN OUT OF CONTEXT, LIVES ON FOREVER
Dr. Hubbard:
So what I would say is that you should be careful, because in technology, there's some permanency there. In face to face, chances are somebody is not recording you while you are having those interactions, and apologizing for something. But in other sort of technology, social media forms, there's a paper trail.
And so when there's a paper trail, there's some power and responsibility in what you text and how you write what you say, because it'll live past the interaction. It'll live past the context that your relationship has, it can be taken out of context.
And so that's what's something that I would say that you need to be mindful of, in terms of apologizing and maybe some legal implications associated with that, even though we know from an interpersonal standpoint, apologizing, if you were blameworthy, you should apologize. Right. That's the best way. But there's other kinds of things to think about, like legal responsibility, even though we know for example, in health settings, that when practitioners medical practitioners apologize, they're less likely to sue, but from an attorney standpoint? They might be think that's not good. You're accepting responsibility versus repairing a perceived rupture between you and another person in the relationship. So that permanence of a social media account or email is something to be mindful of.
Malika:
That's so interesting and such a great point. Well, we can't keep you forever. We love this. This is but yeah, we love it. I'll have to have you on the show again, for sure. Okay, well, let's wrap it up. So what are some research-based strategies or tips that you can provide for us to help us with the beautification of our communication when it comes to apologies, and technology?
RESEARCH-BASED STRATEGIES FOR APOLOGIZING VIA TECHNOLOGY
Dr. Hubbard:
So one is, I would say, engage in some perspective-taking, think about not only how you would prefer to have your message be sent, when you want to apologize, but think about how the other person might receive and might want to receive the message.
So if the other person wants to have it face to face, and you prefer for it to be in some kind of mediated fashion, then figure out what's the best strategy to do from there, right?
Oh, do you accommodate and do the other persons? Or do we do both of them? Right, do we start off with one, and then we move to another? So there's other options associated with that.
The other aspect that I would suggest, besides perspective-taking is that if at all possible, especially if we're talking about relationships, then following up or having some version of an in-person apology is helpful.
And the reason for that is because what often accompanies after an apology are relational repair strategies. So they are things that we might do to have “the good time show” - so many times that might entail a hug, a kiss, after the apology, to reinforce to say, okay, everything's okay, we can move on. Sometimes it might be we get some shave ice. After that, we have a nice sort of refreshing dessert or we go someplace, right? So these are things that happen after an apology, that “Oh, okay,” so some tension is released, and relieved from our relationship. But then now what do you fill it with, and many times in person we're allowed, we're better able to fill it with a hug, we watch our favorite show together, all these other sorts of things that help us to fill that up with more happiness in our relationships. So that's why in person might be at least for one element might be a good place to have some of that apologizing.
Malika:
Wonderful, I'm just drinking this all in . Thank you so much, Dr. Hubbard for your time and your expertise. And just hanging out with me. I learned a lot and I hope those of you that are listening feel the same way. This was just the very tip of the iceberg. So I will provide resources for all of you in the show notes and links so you can read up on the literature if you want. Dr. Hubbard, Thank you so much.
Dr. Hubbard:
You're welcome. I've had such a blast here with you talking about all these communication topics.
References
Dr. Amy Hubbard’s Google Scholar Profile with links to all of her research
Bippus, A. M., & Young, S. L. (2020). How to say “I’m Sorry:” Ideal apology elements for common interpersonal transgressions. Western Journal of Communication, 84(1), 43-57.
Dainton, M., & Aylor, B. (2002). Patterns of communication channel use in the maintenance of long‐distance relationships. Communication Research Reports, 19(2), 118-129.
Ebesu Hubbard, A. S., Hendrickson, B., Fehrenbach, K. S., & Sur, J. (2013). Effects of timing and sincerity of an apology on satisfaction and changes in negative feelings during conflicts. Western Journal of Communication, 77(3), 305-322.
Maares, P., Banjac, S., & Hanusch, F. (2021). The labour of visual authenticity on social media: Exploring producers’ and audiences’ perceptions on Instagram. Poetics, 84, 101502.
Mason, A. J., & Carr, C. T. (2021). Toward a Theoretical Framework of Relational Maintenance in Computer-Mediated Communication. Communication Theory.
Utz, S. (2007). Media use in long‐distance friendships. Information, Communication & Society, 10(5), 694-713.
YouTube version of Episode 2:
Before you apologize, listen to this podcast
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